When asked if they want a boy or a girl, I have heard expecting couples remark, "As long as it's healthy." No one wishes for a child that is less than perfect. In some sense they are all less than perfect. In our case we had identical twins with Down Syndrome twenty four years ago.
After walking around like zombies for two weeks, my wife and I found strength in God and rose to tackle the task of living and raising Joey and Matt. We had no manual on what to do or how to do it. One of the first things we did is join with a nurse in the area and start a support group for parents of children with disabilities. From there we attended conferences for families who were dealing with disabilities and even got involved in being volunteer lobbyists to our state legislature. All of these things helped our emotional well being but also put us in touch with cutting edge information on disability issues.
Talking to older parents of Down Syndrome children did not help much. Most were old school. Keep them clean and healthy and then put them in front of a TV. We wanted more than that for Joey and Matt. We shot high in our goals for them. The medical community and the education system kept telling us that we needed to shoot lower and be content with what we got. We ignored most of it and plunged onward.
Fast forward twenty four years. Joey and Matt have achieved a lot. They have worked in restaurants doing food prep until a recent lay off. The restaraunt they were working at laid off 20 people prior to selling. They are actively looking again at this time. They take Tae Kwon Do and take it seriously. It is based on mimicking the actions of the teacher and repetition, which they're good at. They are active in church activities and a have friends and now have steady girl friends. They tried to get their driver's licenses, but with a grade school reading level, they couldn't pass the test. They know all the road signs and tell me how to drive. They have an awareness of their disability and are not afraid to take on new challenges.
I wanted to give new parents of disabled children a few short guidelines for your challenge that lies ahead:
1. Get yourself as emotionally healthy as possible. The support group was helpful and the help of grandparents and extended family was invaluable. Have quality time with your kids, but take time to go on a date without the kids. We went on a cruise for three days and it was like medicine. Joey and Matt "punished" us for a week which is a normal baby behavior. They ignored us after we got back but eventually forgave us.
2. Treat your child like a normal child. I'm not saying to deny reality, just don't accept it as the finality. Take them to T ball, dance classes, karate, soccer, and scouting. We did, and they learned to model normal kids' behaviors and socialize. The other people's normal kids learned sensitivity at an early age.
3. Get all of the professional help you can as early as you can. Joey and Matt started getting early education from the public school system at 3 months old. About the same time they started physical, occupational, and speech therapy funded by state programs. Don't make the mistake of thinking that this level of help is only for the rich. We weren't rich and our kids got top drawer care their entire lives.
4. Keep them in the educational mainstream. I would add the footnote, "when practical and in their best interest." Teachers and school administrators urged us to put them in an all-handicapped setting. During grade school, they spent some time in special education classes and some time in the mainstream. In high school, they went to a special education class for academics and were mainstreamed for physical education. During this time they were water boys for the football team but joined the team in their junior and senior years. They participated in the practices and got to play in their last game.
5. Set realistic long term goals. Aim high, but don't deny reality. As your child enters their high school years, both their abilities and limitations will start to paint a picture of their vocational abilities. Educational choices need to be made with some vocational goals in mind. You have to begin to get a feel for what they will do with their life once the school years are behind them. Educators are sometimes reluctant to allow parents access to the inner workings of the educational world. My wife was a constant presence in our school system, volunteering for committees, helping to write a grant, and pushing the envelope on multiple occasions. Some of the changes she pushed for and got are still helping the special education students today.
6. Be your child's best advocate. The handicapped individuals don't have the skills to go to bat for themselves, they need our help. Don't curse the darkness, light a candle.....and if that doesn't work, build a bonfire. Don't be afraid to make people in the system uncomfortable. Your child has one chance to be all they can be.
7. Don't let your child's disability become the center of your life. This is the toughest point to follow. We reached a breaking point when our kids were in junior high school, when we realized that our entire lifestyle was centered around handicapped issues. Our daughter was about 10 and most people didn't even know we had a daughter. We made a conscious decision as a couple to not let handicapped issues dominate all our time and energy for the rest of our lives. We dropped out of support groups, lobbying, and conferences, and focused our advocacy efforts on the local school system.
Siblings of disabled children are often neglected on some level, because of the intense struggle that parents of the disabled go through. Don't deny love and attention to your other children in the midst of your crusade to help your disabled child.
If you are the parent of a disabled child, let me encourage you. You can make it with God's help. Don't become bitter against God. I don't understand everything (especially about God) and trying to wastes precious time and energy. Ask for God's help and get plugged into a bible based church that believes that God answers prayer. We made it through the storm with 2 kids with disabilities, you can make it with one. Please feel free to contact us for advice.
I am writing a book on this theme. If you would like to buy a copy when it comes out, email me at JLBURKE57@HOTMAIL.COM and you'll go on a list to be notified by email when it is available. With God's help, you can do this.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Saturday, March 22, 2008
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Real Marriage
After 25 years of marriage and some serious time as a volunteer counselor, I've learned what's important in staying in marriage relationships long term. The biggest reason marriages hit a dead end is unrealistic expectations. There are so many fantasies surrounding the true meaning of love in the media that many modern couples simply are not dealing with reality. There are four areas that we must come into a realistic understanding of if we are to have meaningful lasting relationships. A realistic understanding brings realistic expectations. Life seems to go better when we live in the real world. Our marriages will have real staying power if we come to an understanding of the four realities of marriage.
1. Emotional Reality: Remember your first crush? Infatuation is a wild mix of hormones, youth, and romance that is magical. Young people refuse to believe this but older folks who have been through the seasons of marriage know it - chemistry is not love. We start out this way, but be aware, every marriage goes through seasons. People who discover chemistry with someone other than their spouse do a foolish thing to chase an emotional high. This "chemistry" is only temporary and fleeting.
There is a reason the preacher makes you swear an oath to God Almighty that you'll stick with it through better or worse. Be assured, "worse" will come and "worse" will go. There is a springtime, summertime, fall, and a winter in the life of every marriage. Most have heard of the "seven year itch." You won't always feel like spring is in the air. Romance has to be worked at. You might have to go to the local music store and buy some Barry White music or decorate the bed with flashing Christmas lights like I once did. (You might be a redneck if...........) Every relationship goes through seasons where both parties would rather not be together. Believe this - If you keep working at improving your relationship, this will pass. My wife and I went through a period like this for a couple of years. Here is the reality .... relationships are hard work.
2. Financial Reality: Getting ahead in life is difficult. Marriage costs money. Two cannot live as cheap as one, I've done the math. While still single, I lived for months at a time in a tent and was contemplating paying cash for an old RV to live in while I saved the money to pay cash for a house. It seemed logical to me but not to my new fiance. You get hitched and have offspring. Kids are financial black holes no matter what their age. Have you priced Huggies lately? Education is expensive and poverty is more expensive. I have one in college and one in potty training. Schools charge a fee for everything and community sports programs are even worse. Then there are cell phones, Tae Kwon Do lessons, dancing lessons, music lessons, etc.
Keep life simple. Pay as you go. Don't go into debt for anything except a house and then pay that off early by doubling up on payments. Marriage without spending money is like being a teenager without music. You'll get cabin fever and you'll need some spendable income to get away.
Rising gasoline prices and an unstable economy has impacted where families go for vacation and how long they stay. International oil supplies are very low and another gasoline price shock is probable. These are not times to get in debt.
3. Physical Reality: I hate to be the one to break this to you, but you're getting older every day. Wrinkles come. Aches and pains show up. You gain weight and its harder as you age to lose it. If your relationship is built on outward appearances, you'll be a lonely senior citizen. Your spouse is not always going to look as well maintained as they did on your wedding day. As you age your relationship develops an intimacy based on mutual trust and understanding and the outward is not nearly as important. Accept the physical reality that we live in aging bodies and get on with real life.
4. The Reality of Change: Change used to be measured in thousands of years, then hundreds, then by decades. Now change is happening every coulple of years in the realm of knowledge, science, etc. We live in a rapidly changing environment and face challenges that no other generation has faced. And so it is in relationships. Children, health issues, finances, and employment all bring huge lifestyle changes that impact our marriages and families. We can't control what the whole world does, but we can control what we do, say, and think.
Blessed are the flexible. Stubbornness will destroy your marriage. Both partners must be willing to adapt to changes and work together as a team.
So, get a grip on reality. Decide to stay in for the long haul in your marriage. Settle this in your heart. You'll be glad you did. - Jeff Burke
1. Emotional Reality: Remember your first crush? Infatuation is a wild mix of hormones, youth, and romance that is magical. Young people refuse to believe this but older folks who have been through the seasons of marriage know it - chemistry is not love. We start out this way, but be aware, every marriage goes through seasons. People who discover chemistry with someone other than their spouse do a foolish thing to chase an emotional high. This "chemistry" is only temporary and fleeting.
There is a reason the preacher makes you swear an oath to God Almighty that you'll stick with it through better or worse. Be assured, "worse" will come and "worse" will go. There is a springtime, summertime, fall, and a winter in the life of every marriage. Most have heard of the "seven year itch." You won't always feel like spring is in the air. Romance has to be worked at. You might have to go to the local music store and buy some Barry White music or decorate the bed with flashing Christmas lights like I once did. (You might be a redneck if...........) Every relationship goes through seasons where both parties would rather not be together. Believe this - If you keep working at improving your relationship, this will pass. My wife and I went through a period like this for a couple of years. Here is the reality .... relationships are hard work.
2. Financial Reality: Getting ahead in life is difficult. Marriage costs money. Two cannot live as cheap as one, I've done the math. While still single, I lived for months at a time in a tent and was contemplating paying cash for an old RV to live in while I saved the money to pay cash for a house. It seemed logical to me but not to my new fiance. You get hitched and have offspring. Kids are financial black holes no matter what their age. Have you priced Huggies lately? Education is expensive and poverty is more expensive. I have one in college and one in potty training. Schools charge a fee for everything and community sports programs are even worse. Then there are cell phones, Tae Kwon Do lessons, dancing lessons, music lessons, etc.
Keep life simple. Pay as you go. Don't go into debt for anything except a house and then pay that off early by doubling up on payments. Marriage without spending money is like being a teenager without music. You'll get cabin fever and you'll need some spendable income to get away.
Rising gasoline prices and an unstable economy has impacted where families go for vacation and how long they stay. International oil supplies are very low and another gasoline price shock is probable. These are not times to get in debt.
3. Physical Reality: I hate to be the one to break this to you, but you're getting older every day. Wrinkles come. Aches and pains show up. You gain weight and its harder as you age to lose it. If your relationship is built on outward appearances, you'll be a lonely senior citizen. Your spouse is not always going to look as well maintained as they did on your wedding day. As you age your relationship develops an intimacy based on mutual trust and understanding and the outward is not nearly as important. Accept the physical reality that we live in aging bodies and get on with real life.
4. The Reality of Change: Change used to be measured in thousands of years, then hundreds, then by decades. Now change is happening every coulple of years in the realm of knowledge, science, etc. We live in a rapidly changing environment and face challenges that no other generation has faced. And so it is in relationships. Children, health issues, finances, and employment all bring huge lifestyle changes that impact our marriages and families. We can't control what the whole world does, but we can control what we do, say, and think.
Blessed are the flexible. Stubbornness will destroy your marriage. Both partners must be willing to adapt to changes and work together as a team.
So, get a grip on reality. Decide to stay in for the long haul in your marriage. Settle this in your heart. You'll be glad you did. - Jeff Burke
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Your Fabulous Fifties
I remember when my dad turned forty. The very idea of forty sent my dad into a mild depression. Some call it a mid-life crisis. Forty seemed so "old" to him. Now I find myself at fifty, which some say is the new forty, taking inventory of the past and musing about the future.
I read somewhere that most people's biggest financial growth years takes place in their fifties. I like that thought. It seems it takes most of your life just to figure out how things work. Many of the greatest accomplishments of highly successful people takes place after fifty. In China, there is mandatory retirement from government jobs at fifty. Many of them start their own businesses at fifty. Seems it would be a great place for a seniors ministry.
If life experience means anything, and I believe it does, you have more wisdom at fifty and beyond compared with your young adult years. Wisdom comes two ways. One is by learning from older people with life experiences and wisdom. You can learn from their mistakes and pain, sparing yourself from the same mistakes. Sadly, like most other folks, I didn't do that. That's the easy way to learn wisdom. The other way, is to live life, make mistakes, and learn from our own life experiences. That's the school of hard knocks, or the hard way to learn wisdom. I have my bumps and I wear them like war medals. Paul the apostle said that the only thing he boasted about was his sufferings. We talk (or boast) about our past war stories and what we learned, the young yawn, and life goes on.
Have you ever tried to convince a 20 year old that you know what you're talking about? The problem is, they don't know what they don't know. So they talk about what they don't know in a very knowledgeable way, and we grin in amusement. My take on the whole learning process is this - Pre-teens don't know anything and they know it. (Maybe that's why Jesus loves children so much.) Teenagers think they know something. Young adults in their twenties are convinced they know something. People in their thirties come to a realization that they don't know anything. In their forties they set out to learn all they can. And when they reach fifty, they know enough to operate in the real world, make things happen, get things done, understand relationships, and generally start doing some things that really matter.
The landmark of fifty doesn't bother me. The way I see things, I'm just getting started. So, look out world, here I come.
I read somewhere that most people's biggest financial growth years takes place in their fifties. I like that thought. It seems it takes most of your life just to figure out how things work. Many of the greatest accomplishments of highly successful people takes place after fifty. In China, there is mandatory retirement from government jobs at fifty. Many of them start their own businesses at fifty. Seems it would be a great place for a seniors ministry.
If life experience means anything, and I believe it does, you have more wisdom at fifty and beyond compared with your young adult years. Wisdom comes two ways. One is by learning from older people with life experiences and wisdom. You can learn from their mistakes and pain, sparing yourself from the same mistakes. Sadly, like most other folks, I didn't do that. That's the easy way to learn wisdom. The other way, is to live life, make mistakes, and learn from our own life experiences. That's the school of hard knocks, or the hard way to learn wisdom. I have my bumps and I wear them like war medals. Paul the apostle said that the only thing he boasted about was his sufferings. We talk (or boast) about our past war stories and what we learned, the young yawn, and life goes on.
Have you ever tried to convince a 20 year old that you know what you're talking about? The problem is, they don't know what they don't know. So they talk about what they don't know in a very knowledgeable way, and we grin in amusement. My take on the whole learning process is this - Pre-teens don't know anything and they know it. (Maybe that's why Jesus loves children so much.) Teenagers think they know something. Young adults in their twenties are convinced they know something. People in their thirties come to a realization that they don't know anything. In their forties they set out to learn all they can. And when they reach fifty, they know enough to operate in the real world, make things happen, get things done, understand relationships, and generally start doing some things that really matter.
The landmark of fifty doesn't bother me. The way I see things, I'm just getting started. So, look out world, here I come.
Long Term Mindset
God thinks long term. Everything he does or plans takes into consideration the long term implications. We often don'tunderstand why God does things, allows other things, or doesn't do things. That's because our tendency is to think short term. This short term mindset affects how we approach prayer, the reading of the bible, and relationships.
For instance, in prayer we may ask God to increase our finances and help us to get debt free. If things go against us over a period of days, weeks, or even years, we start thinking that something is wrong either with God or us. That's because we think short term, we believe short term, and we also pray short term. Your thinking is what you are and it impacts everything you do.
We do relationships well in the short term, but what about the long term? We do well relating to people when they are making us feel good about ourselves. But what about when they offend us or hurt our feelings? Do we throw the relationship away forever or be a faithful friend? True friends think long term. They love you unconditionally, the way God does.
One look at the life of Moses, Abraham, or David, will illustrate the quality of thinking long term. Moses' preparation for his life's work took 80 years. Abraham had a life-long series of growing experiences to prepare and refine him. David was anointed King three times and it was many years from his first revelation that he would be king until he actually became king over all Israel.
Circumstances will happen to us during our life passage on this planet, that will seem as if God is against us. Never judge God's favor for you based on your circumstances. Never try to define every life event in the short term. You will never have a complete understanding of every type of experience during our sojourn on earth. Many things will only be understood in the context of eternity.
In the practical scheme of things, plan for the best, be prepared for the worst. Relate to God and others from a long term perspective of life. Never give up your faith. Faith is eternal and grows over long periods of time. Many prayers do get answered in the short term. I'll take all of those I can get. But for the prayers that don't get answered in the short term, stand on God's eternal word and always respond to every situation in faith. Whatever is not of faith is sin. Faith is not only an activity, but a lifestyle.
Most successful persons have a long term outlook. Thomas Edison, in his attempt to invent the light bulb, did thousands of experiments to reach his goal. Had he been impatient, we would all have oil lamps in our homes. A long term mindset is a winning mindset. Refuse to accept defeat. Don't allow short-sighted people to define you. Have a long term commitment to your long term goals and never, ever give up.
For instance, in prayer we may ask God to increase our finances and help us to get debt free. If things go against us over a period of days, weeks, or even years, we start thinking that something is wrong either with God or us. That's because we think short term, we believe short term, and we also pray short term. Your thinking is what you are and it impacts everything you do.
We do relationships well in the short term, but what about the long term? We do well relating to people when they are making us feel good about ourselves. But what about when they offend us or hurt our feelings? Do we throw the relationship away forever or be a faithful friend? True friends think long term. They love you unconditionally, the way God does.
One look at the life of Moses, Abraham, or David, will illustrate the quality of thinking long term. Moses' preparation for his life's work took 80 years. Abraham had a life-long series of growing experiences to prepare and refine him. David was anointed King three times and it was many years from his first revelation that he would be king until he actually became king over all Israel.
Circumstances will happen to us during our life passage on this planet, that will seem as if God is against us. Never judge God's favor for you based on your circumstances. Never try to define every life event in the short term. You will never have a complete understanding of every type of experience during our sojourn on earth. Many things will only be understood in the context of eternity.
In the practical scheme of things, plan for the best, be prepared for the worst. Relate to God and others from a long term perspective of life. Never give up your faith. Faith is eternal and grows over long periods of time. Many prayers do get answered in the short term. I'll take all of those I can get. But for the prayers that don't get answered in the short term, stand on God's eternal word and always respond to every situation in faith. Whatever is not of faith is sin. Faith is not only an activity, but a lifestyle.
Most successful persons have a long term outlook. Thomas Edison, in his attempt to invent the light bulb, did thousands of experiments to reach his goal. Had he been impatient, we would all have oil lamps in our homes. A long term mindset is a winning mindset. Refuse to accept defeat. Don't allow short-sighted people to define you. Have a long term commitment to your long term goals and never, ever give up.
Start Over
This is a brand new day. No matter what you have done in the past, God gives us the opportunity to start over. You start over by coming to God in prayer and asking forgiveness (cancellation) of every sin of the past. Jesus Christ, God in human flesh, paid our death penalty, so we could be forgiven. God's justice requires the penalty of death for sin. But the only one who could pay that debt is someone who is sinless. Jesus is the only one who qualifies to pay our penalty, because when Adam sinned in the garden of Eden, sin came upon all human flesh. So we were born in sin and the only way out is through Jesus. Pray this prayer: "Father God, because of the gift of your son, Jesus, when he paid the full price for my sin on the cross, I ask you to come into my heart and be the Lord of my life and forgive me for every sin I've ever committed." Give God your whole life, not just a little part of your life.
Once you accept Christ, there are three basic activities that will help you grow spiritually. Prayer, bible study, and fellowship:
In prayer, you can ask God for anything. He answers us according to his will. God is your spiritual source of strength. It's like eating or plugging an appliance into an electrical socket. God is your food, your electricity, but you have to plug in. If you sin, immediately ask God for forgiveness and strength. God loves you like his own child, because you are his child.
As you study the bible, you learn what God is like, his likes and dislikes. As you prayerfully read the bible, you will grow in the knowledge of spiritual things and in your relationship with God. Start with a modern translation, such as NIV or NLT. The Gospel of John is a good place to start and then the book of Ephesians. You can get a one year bible that will give you an Old Testament passage, a New Testament passage, a passage from Psalms, and one from Proverbs each day. At the end of a year, you will have read the bible through.
Fellowship is simply gathering together with other believers. Like prayer and bible study, this activity must be scheduled and disciplined or it probably won't ever happen. This is how we prioritize our lives by setting aside blocks of time for spiritual activities. The best way to do this is to join a local church. This will give you accountability. Jesus invested much time to relationships and discipling other believers. Look for a church that teaches being born again, or accepting Jesus as the Lord of your life.
This is the most important decision a person can ever make. Will you live your life for yourself or live for God? There is a real heaven and a real hell. We will all choose which of the two places will be our home for eternity.
Once you accept Christ, there are three basic activities that will help you grow spiritually. Prayer, bible study, and fellowship:
In prayer, you can ask God for anything. He answers us according to his will. God is your spiritual source of strength. It's like eating or plugging an appliance into an electrical socket. God is your food, your electricity, but you have to plug in. If you sin, immediately ask God for forgiveness and strength. God loves you like his own child, because you are his child.
As you study the bible, you learn what God is like, his likes and dislikes. As you prayerfully read the bible, you will grow in the knowledge of spiritual things and in your relationship with God. Start with a modern translation, such as NIV or NLT. The Gospel of John is a good place to start and then the book of Ephesians. You can get a one year bible that will give you an Old Testament passage, a New Testament passage, a passage from Psalms, and one from Proverbs each day. At the end of a year, you will have read the bible through.
Fellowship is simply gathering together with other believers. Like prayer and bible study, this activity must be scheduled and disciplined or it probably won't ever happen. This is how we prioritize our lives by setting aside blocks of time for spiritual activities. The best way to do this is to join a local church. This will give you accountability. Jesus invested much time to relationships and discipling other believers. Look for a church that teaches being born again, or accepting Jesus as the Lord of your life.
This is the most important decision a person can ever make. Will you live your life for yourself or live for God? There is a real heaven and a real hell. We will all choose which of the two places will be our home for eternity.
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